i've been thinking SO MUCH lately, it's ridiculous. and about everything, too. like i stopped kaity in the hall to have a philosophical discussion with her... just because i needed to tell someone what was running through my head. always a good listener<3 lately all i've been thinking about is why people do the things they do. take sports for example. they're fun, but what's fun about them? like with gymnastics, wouldn't you think that people would be turned off to it because all gymnasts do is chase perfection that doesn't exist? like we go to practice to get stronger; if you don't want to be strong or don't think it's worth the pain, then you think, 'why do it?' then you go to bars or beam or vault or floor to get new skills, which is fun of course. but what do you have to show for it? being about to tell your friends, "hey guess what, i did a double back off of bars yesterday!" and have them respond, "that's cool! ...what the hell is that?" and all the while that you're doing your old skills, they're never good enough. and your coaches are always telling you to point your toes or straighten your legs or stay tighter. it's just a weird thought, this chasing perfection thing. because perfection is relative to the goals you set for yourself, and others set for you. coaches don't make sure you can do a skill without fault before you move onto a new one- you get to a point where you can do the skill, compete it in meets where you may or may not stick it (but hopefully do), and then move onto another skill. and that perfect goal that's been set hasn't been reached. it's just weird...idk! i like to think :) and i like gymnastics, sometimes. it just makes me wonder, why am i doing this? what makes me love the pain so much that i keep coming back? weeeeird, i know. it's just interesting to think about humans and why we do the things we do, even if they're painful or difficult. like taking AP classes- you're not being challenged in your classes, but you're getting good grades. so why take an AP class if you're getting high A's and A+'s? as people, we're just so fascinating to think about.

i can't help but stop and wonder...how did i get here? like obviously not literally, but, i don't know. it's so weird. five years ago i didn't think i'd be here. gosh, even one year ago i didn't think i'd be here. like SERIOUSLY. i'm a junior...in high school... in two years i'll be in college. ah that's just so scary! i swear it was yesterday that i was in fifth grade and we were all running around together at recess and it wasn't about who's dating who or who went to a party last night and got half of the football team in trouble or even who our class valedictorian is. it was just about us, and living each day in the sunshine and making it count. and now i'm in eleventh grade, and i have to worry about my grades and sat's and my gpa and colleges and maintaining my reputation and gymnastics at one gym and working and gymnastics at the other gym and teaching sunday school and somehow finding time to just like SHOWER. like when i was in middle school i would never ever ever ever have guessed that i'd be doing gymnastics, much less for two teams, and much much much less working at one of the gyms. it's just crazy.

andd it's just weird, like with the friendships i've made and the relationship i'm in. i never would have guessed that i would be friends with half of the people i'm friends with now. like being a junior you get to pick your classes and they get more focused and narrowed with ap classes and classes beyond what you're 'supposed to take'. like taking pre-calc instead of advanced math topics, hahaha okay bad example. but like going on to spanish 4, most everyone in my class (aside from like five people) really like spanish or are at least good at it. so we ask good questions and the stuff we learn is actually INTERESTING. and being in concert choir is amazing and family-like because it's just wonderful to share ninety minutes a day with people who have the same passion for music as you do, and are at around the same skill level as you. and being in ap english, it's just so much FUN. we're treated differently than if we were just honors kids because we're showing that we really WANT to learn, whereas everyone in honors just thinks they're too smart for extensions. that sounds mean but like... idk sometimes i feel like it's true. I DON'T KNOW it's just weird:)

one big thing that totally blows my mind is will. like, whaaaat? i've always alwayss thought high school relationships were stupid and overrated because everyone always makes a big deal over nothing and it just seems to complicate things. i always figured i'd keep my head on straight and finish high school and then go to college and be able to relax and find someone. but i clearly was wrong. and it's just kind of mind-blowing how this could happen. like, i'm in a relationship. and have been for the past seven or so months. like what IS that. and him going to college but us doing the long-distance thing? i mean don't get me wrong, i love it and i'm so excited to see him on friday:):) but i remember when i was twelve-ish and i'd watch 7th heaven and there was something about mary having a long-distance relationship with ben or something, i dunno i don't remember names. and it really just seemed like it sucked for her at the time and i was like "i would never do that! why would you even want to try that? isn't the point of being in a relationship with someone to spend as much time in their presence as you can and like...cherish every moment you have with them?' maybe i was naive then, or maybe i am now. but i do know it's something incredible that we're doing, something that i never thought possible even back in august when he left. and maybe if we can do this we can do anything.

WHY IS LIFE MOVING SO QUICKLY. i jusssst hope i can keep savoring every moment because i know these next two years are gonna fllllly by:)

 

ten days.

 ugh, i'm so stressed. pre-calc is ruining my healthy optimistic mindset. i honestly don't understand anything we do in that class...long-term. like i can do the homework the night after we've learned it and normally i'm okay to do them on my own after i've done a couple problems. but when it comes time to take our test i remember NOTHING. and i don't know why. it's not just me either, it's jessica too. and i mean we're alike but honestly? this is beyond our control. i really don't know what more i can do; i work ALL of the practice problems at the end of the lessons (okay, not all of them. but at least 3/4) and i understand and i'm okay. it's just REMEMBERING what to do and how to recognize the problems to know what to do that completely throws me off. and it gives me super-bad test anxiety too... like i've never had before. i have NEVER in my life been so afraid or freaking out over a test that i want to cry while i'm sitting there taking it. yeah, welcome to my life in pre-calc. it's so DUMB and i just don't understand anything. i KNOW i'm a smart person and i can do anything i put my mind to. but why can't i do this? shouldn't it be easy? honors has never been a challenge before, and it's not like this is ap stats or calc or anything. granted, it's learning the basics. but it's so stupid and i'm so confused :( i'm so lost, i neeeeed a light at the end of the tunnel. now.

 

 i can't believe i've been around for seventeen years. like, my mom was saying today how sixteen is a big birthday because you can drive, and when you turn eighteen you're legally an adult and you can vote and stuff, but seventeen's kind of boring. personally, i think it's a nice round number :) but really, birthdays are wonderful no matter how much i'll deny it. it's such a good feeling to know that for one day, even for five minutes, people care about you that you think have forgotten about you, or just don't like you anymore. and of course it's extra special to receive thoughtful gifts from really close friends. those always make me smile :)

 i really like it when i can trust people. not.

 i'm so glad we don't have school today :) it's giving me an extra day to do mountains of homeworkkk andd bake coookies for little alex since her birthday is tomorrow :) it's just a happy day.

i really miss will. like, when he left i was just like oh yeah we'll be fine. and we are. but it sucks that he's not around...ever. and that he can't visit because he's 8 hours away. i mean i know it could be worse but it's just awful. idk but i'm really glad he's coming home in forty days :) yeah he's keeping track... :p 

but i'm happy :) i slept over madi's last night which was good, as always, and ate toaster strudels for breakfast :) and now i'm just here in my bed doing homework and stuff :)

HOUSE IS ON TONIGHT<3


life is good.

i was just reading through EVERY entry that i've ever written, and i can definitely say that i've changed so much since whenever i last updated. and i really like it, for the most part. before i feel like i was this dramatic person who always had these petty problems and then complained so that they seemed to be big problems, yet brushed off people's advice so i could plow through it myself. and then when people praised me for it, i'd just thank them and act like it was a surprise. and that bothers me. maybe that's not really how i was, but it seems like it. i probably shouldn't be analyzing myself anyway, but i like it kind of. it's a habit i have, analyzing things. it can be annoying, but sometimes it makes me feel like a genius. 

i have intro to psych next semester, and i'm really excited. i love thinking about how the mind works (being metacognitive, as mrs. montine would say hahaha). sometimes i wonder if when i analyze things and make these discoveries about people i'm being a genius, or if it's really basic stuff about that person that anyone would pick up on. i'm interested to see how textbook psychology will teach me about my metacognitive tendencies :)

being away from will is a weird thing. it sucks big time, though i can't honestly say that i'm not happy that he's at penn state. hah that sounds bad but that's the school of his dreams, and i know he loves it there. minus that all of his friends aren't. haha it'll be really wonderful to see him in november :) i think we're going to boston for the day, which is gonna be fun! i love boston. ESPECIALLY beacon hill. oh my gosh it's so beautiful there! haha but yes. i'm not putting any bets on spending forever with him or anything like that but i do know that i'd like to spend as much time as possible with him :)

lately i've been really worn out. i don't think i should be worried or anything, so i'm not, but i'm just not up for anything. even hanging out with madi is just like...blah. and i don't know why because i know it's nothing personal on her part. i think i'm just EXHAUSTED every day when i come home from school and on the weekends i come home from teaching at nsg or at the church and i'm just like ugh. so i get my homework done and i read or play piano or watch csi. they're all things that i do by myself, which i really like :) i've been a lot more self-dependent lately, and i think it's because i just really dislike people in general. i do believe that everyone has good in them, but people's personalities have just been getting in the way a lot for me lately. and i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm so tired, and therefore grouchy. i don't know. i just get so MAD when people don't care. like even when we had to take necaps. yeah they sucked, but what good is not trying and drawing little pictures gonna do you? ...nothing. hah and this kid in concert choir who IS NEVER PREPARED, ugh i just want to smack him. he's a little freshman and apparently he's such a good singer and stuff but he's never prepared and he's just such an ugly person and NO ONE likes him and i just don't understand. i wish it was possible to kick someone out of a class hahah. like if you don't care WHY ARE YOU THERE. blah and the people in ap english who i never even knew WROTE and they just slack so much and don't come to class or are always cutting out and stuff or just don't have their stuff and/or pay attention. i just wanna kill 'em. and i just wonder when i started to care so much, and why it matters so much to me that these people care. i don't know, i don't know!

i'm just kinda weird :) but i really should get back into the habit of writing in this thing again... since i have all of these thoughts floating around my head ALWAYS :)

i truly cannot believe how quickly time goes by. i'm growing to learn why everyone always says 'life's short', because it sure feels that way. it's so weird to me, being sixteen. i honestly don't feel like i look, act or think like a sixteen year old. to me,i look like i'm eleven, act like i'm five and a half and think like i'm much older than i actually am. of course, that's just an opinion. but holy crap, where is my life going? it's like i blink and a week goes by, and dare i fall asleep in october because i might wake up in june. i'm not really complaining, because at this time last year my life was nowhere as good as it is now. i was definitely not as confident with myself as i am now, nor was i happy. i could ramble on and on about how amazing life is now, and how it wasn't this good last week, month or year, but for now i'm content where i am :)

on this Thanksgiving, i have so much to be grateful for. i mean, i could go into detail about every single moment in my life where i felt truly blessed like i have today, but instead i think i'll just mention the three things i find myself most thankful for in this moment of here and now. first and most important, of course, are my friends and family. without them i would be absolutely lost, and i can never thank them enough for everything they do for me on a daily basis. they have taught me the true meaning of unconditional love and for that i will never be able to forget them. the person i am becoming is next, because i truly do believe i'm turning into a good person. i am proud of how she handles things both in and out of her control, the decisions she makes, and her character, pride and heart she puts into everything she does. this girl wants to change the world, and i think she just may do it. the life i have been given is an incredible one, and i would not trade it for anything in the world. it has its ups and downs, rights, lefts, loop-the-loops and other crazy patterns, but it always seems to turn out okay. and i am so blessed for that to happen. i can't wait to see where this life takes me, and how i get there. i truly could not ask for more. happy Thanksgiving everyone; i hope it has treated you as well as it has me.

"you know those days where you just wanna stay under your covers and never come out? well, why do we have those days? it doesn't matter how long you stay there. you'll always have to end up facing something you don't want to. that's life. there's ups and downs and lefts and rights. but whichever way you end up going, your life will change. it may not always be in the best way. but you'll get around it. if it's bad it will always make you stronger. if it's great it'll just make you aware that in life something good will always come your way. you'll meet people you never thought you would and you'll make everlasting friendships. they'll be there for you forever. and they'll be the ones that help you through those right and wrong turns. your friends and your family will be there through it all."

you're a genius.<3